The pen was clean. Kylie had made sure of that. She had emptied the ink into the washbasin, taken the barrel apart, rinsed the pieces twice, and then poured boiling water over them.
She was about to stab this pen into her eye, and was worried about infection.
Vessa had gone down to the fall recital with half the sixth floor, and Kylie had checked the corridor twice, ensuring nobody would be around. She had roughly forty minutes to do this. Though once she’d built up the courage, or insanity, to do it, it would only take ten seconds.
She sat on the floor in the corner between the bed and the wall, with her knees up and the still slightly warm pen in her fist. Her eyes remained fixed on its metallic tip, her sleep-deprived mind struggling to keep it in focus.
The room was filled only by the faint crackle of her oil lamp and the distant, indistinct murmur of students wandering down below past her window.
A long, shaky breath escaped her and her hand fell to her side, her chest rising and falling in quick, heavy breaths. She looked into the tin mirror propped against the wall, and began to study her reflection. Her face was small, with nearly colorless, milky skin. Pointed ears emerged from either side of her head, bare of any earrings or jewelry. The only piece of jewelry she wore, in fact, was a silver ring piercing the left corner of her bottom lip. Her white hair hung in unkempt, tangled strands around her shoulders, with a small crown of horns pushing through the locks above her forehead.
She stared into her eyes.
Her left eye was entirely ordinary. White sclera, gray iris, and a black pupil, framed by long black lashes that sharply contrasted with her white hair.
Her right eye, however, held a deep, star-speckled iris, dark like the night sky.
You’re being irrational, she told herself. You are not stabbing your eye out. You are stabbing its eye out.
That helped. Considerably more than she wanted to admit. She wanted it gone so badly that stabbing her, or its, own eye seemed like a small price to pay.
She raised the pen again and pressed the tip against the outer corner of her right eye. By instinct, her eyes immediately blinked, and she reached up with her other hand, hooked two fingers over her upper and lower eyelids, and forced them apart, holding the eye open.
Her whole body understood, all at once, what she intended to do. She knew it must have understood as well, and this shaking, terrifying feeling began to rise within her—a question clawing its way through the back of her mind: why haven’t you tried to stop me?
***
Her mother was a cleaning woman, relegated mostly to the large room in the town hall where letters were sorted. And it was in the corner of that room where the crate of undeliverable mail was kept. Deceased recipients, misspelled names, incorrect addresses. For some reason her mother didn't know the answer to, nobody was allowed to burn them, so as a child, Kylie would sit under the long table and read them as her mother worked.
Most were quite boring. There were the letters where men asked their parents or brothers, but never their sisters, for money. Of which, the less polite ones were more fun to read. There were the letters to lovers who had stopped writing back, letters to soldiers who had died in a war—all of it fairly mundane.
But one day, near the bottom of the crate, she came across an envelope with a fancy-looking seal she didn't recognize, addressed to a girl who lived on the side of town that was destroyed in a flood before Kylie was born. It was from the Imperial Academy of Nazaru. It said that the girl had placed second in the province, and was eligible for the scholarship they only offered to a few students every year.
Kylie put the letter back. And a week later, she took it out again, and kept it this time. Nobody will care if a letter from that crate goes missing, she thought. And she was right. The letter was no good to anyone now. But somebody from this little river town was meant to go to that school in the capital, and they didn't. So she decided, having never been further from home than the forest north of town, that it was going to be her.
***
She placed first in her province on the scholarship examination, and the letter came. It looked just like the one she’d stolen nine years ago, although this time, addressed to her. A swell of pride rose in her chest looking at that name. After having just turned eighteen, Kylie would be enrolling in the school of her dreams as a scholar of history, and would learn exactly why, out of four thousand students, only five were hornfolk.
Kylie had known for a long time that Nazaru was a human nation, and wasn’t particularly fond of her kind. But in her town, it hardly mattered. There were many hornfolk who lived there, and most of the humans either kept their displeasure to themselves or actually liked being around them. It wasn’t until arriving at the capital that she’d grown to resent that displeasure.
The Academy tailor, for instance, had no pattern for a tail, so Kylie had to re-hem her own skirts, like her mother had taught her. She’d never been much good at it, and the hem hung slightly lower on the left than on the right. But, luckily for her, that was about the fourth thing people noticed about her.
In the first week of school, while walking to her next class, a boy smacked his knuckle against one of her horns in front of six other students to see whether it rang. Of course, it didn’t. Kylie bent down as she held the place where he had struck her, waiting for the pain to fade, and the boy apologized unseriously while his friends laughed. She pretended not to mind, so as not to seem unreasonable.
Vessa, her roommate, was not cruel like most of the other students. Kylie wanted that on the record.
Vessa was birdfolk, and looked far less human than Kylie ever had. She had wings where her arms should have been, and at the tip of each one, there were five long, jointed feathers thicker than the rest, which she used as fingers. She could grip a pen with them. She could climb down the bunk bed with them. She could also fly with them, though she didn't do that indoors, because she'd been taught it was bad manners (and the ceilings were too low anyway). Instead of hair or skin, she had feathers lining her whole body, colored gold and yellow and brown and white; instead of lips, she had a big black beak; and instead of wearing shoes like the rest of them, she walked on her talons.
Being birdfolk, Vessa also had to deal with her share of bullying, though not nearly as much as Kylie. Birdfolk were common in the capital. There had been birdfolk in the king's guard for four hundred years. Vessa looked stranger than Kylie did by a considerable margin, but people didn't care nearly as much. She’d even been given a sleeveless uniform to accommodate her wings.
That must have been why Vessa could afford to be so much friendlier than she was. She lent her things, asked about her mother, poked her for help on her history exams. And when somebody in a corridor made a low joke about Kylie's tail, or pointed at her horns, Vessa would say, brightly, that people were awful.
Kylie preferred keeping to herself. Things were easier that way. And having to room with someone else made it far more difficult to do that. In the evenings, on days when Vessa wasn’t out with friends, or didn’t have classes, or whatever else that kept her out of their room, Kylie would go down to the river and sit on the small, abandoned set of stone stairs below the east wall, where nobody went, and read until the light was gone.
That was where she found it. On her ninth week, in the shallow waters at the foot of the stairs, among the pebbles, she saw the glimmer of a white eyeball with a black, starry iris. At first, she thought it was a marble. For someone who owned exactly one beautiful thing, and wore it around her lip, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and she picked it up for no other reason than that and a simple curiosity.
When she did, she felt its surface, smooth and warm, but slightly viscous, yielding beneath her fingers. She slowly swiveled it around and, upon inspecting it, realized it was an eyeball, not a marble. She brought it closer to her eyes and peered into its pupil, when it suddenly shot into her wrist—plunging itself inside her like a stone sinking into mud.
She screamed immediately, fell backward into the cold water, and screamed again, and the sound travelled out over the water, and nothing came back. There was a lump under her skin. And when she looked down at it, it began to move, crawling up the inside of her wrist.
Almost immediately, Kylie tore a strip from her skirt and wrapped it tight around her arm just above the lump, the same way her mother had taught her to stop the spread of a snakebite. But it just passed underneath, and kept going. It moved up her forearm, under her elbow, then along her shoulder. By the time it had left her sight, she could feel the warmth of it crawling up her neck. Forty seconds after it entered her wrist, she watched her reflection in the water as it took her eye.
That night, when she’d returned home, Vessa made a comment about it.
“Y-you never noticed?” Kylie replied, with a laugh, feigning ignorance as best she could.
“Huh. I guess not? Anyways, forget about that. How’d you end up so wet?”
Kylie gave a vague response, flopped into bed, and fell asleep.
As she drifted off, she had a dream.
A dream she would never forget.
***
Divine Natural History was a subject Kylie particularly enjoyed. Not to be confused with theology, which Kylie was fine with. Theology was two floors up and concerned a “God” that only existed in a big fat book. The study of Divine Natural History was different: the study of “gods” on earth.
People had known about these gods for as long as they had kept records. And after thousands of years, all that history had produced was about a page’s worth of indisputable facts. A god does not age. A god possesses a divine power that mortals could never replicate, known as a “technique.” And there are these things called labyrinths: enormous, ancient structures where the gods reside.
One, though perhaps less important detail, is that if a mortal managed to kill a god, the technique would pass on to the one who landed the final blow. When that mortal died, the technique died with them. Not even their children inherited it. Now, the only reason anyone knew this was because, throughout all of recorded history—and the elves and dwarves had been maintaining their records long before the Kingdom of Nazaru, or human civilization itself, even existed—there had been somewhere between two and three dozen individuals who had possessed a technique. Perhaps. Two of those names, at least, were disputed by her professor personally.
That week, they were on Saevoruun.
Nothing about it was Nazarene. It had happened on the Second Continent, in a kingdom that had not existed for over two thousand years. And the language was tricky too. Learning anything translated three times was. The god’s name was one of the easiest things to understand: saev meant hand, and ruun meant divine.
Saevoruun, the Divine Hand, was described as having sixty legs and being over nine hundred feet long (though this figure is often disputed). Roughly seven thousand soldiers descended into its labyrinth behind their queen to kill it, four thousand of whom did not come back up. From the day Queen Zhivenheim reemerged from that labyrinth, her arms from the elbows down appeared as though they had been carved from obsidian. They had turned into a hard, black, purplish crystal. When damaged, they cracked, rather than bled. And with them, the Queen could bend gravity to her very will.
Kylie enjoyed studying her. The trickiness of the texts, the inconsistencies between translations—she loved it all. However, she’d been unable to complete the readings assigned for today’s lecture the day prior, and lacked the focus to do them before class. Her recurring dreams over the past three weeks had been weighing too heavily on her mind. She had made peace with that much, or at least told herself she had. It only ever came to her in her sleep, and bad sleep, Kylie could handle. She could handle being tired for a very long time.
That day, though, in lecture, she was called on by the professor with a rather difficult question: “Why?”
Why did the queen, who had sat on the throne for only eleven months, over the corpses of her thirteen brothers and sisters, enter a hole in the ground with seven thousand men, after an animal that had never once come up to trouble her, and could kill every one of them? And if she really needed it dead, why did she go herself?
Greed isn’t the answer, she thought. That was too obvious. A show of force? But she lost four thousand men… That’d only weaken her.
“Kylie?” The professor asked again.
Her mouth moved on its own, and formed the words, “The technique wasn’t all she was after.”
It was like she was standing behind her own eyes. A passenger in her own body. It was her voice, but not her speaking.
“There’s a list, translated by Ourem and then by Sanne, of the companies she took down into that labyrinth, as well as a list translated by Ferrin Kaul of the men who had sworn to her brothers and sisters. Assuming she killed her siblings, which most in that kingdom believed she did, then getting about eighty percent of their loyal men killed seems a fairly efficient maneuver. She walked down into that labyrinth with an army that had every reason in the world to kill her, and she walked back out of it with one loyal only to her, and with a power that could destroy anyone else who tried.”
That’s what I was going to say.
Except it wasn’t. It was true that, during her studies, she had come across both lists and scanned them over carefully. But she was nowhere near reaching such a conclusion. Not yet.
The professor did not say anything for a moment. Then, like he suddenly remembered he was supposed to reply, he said the word, “Good,” in a voice Kylie had never once heard him use on a student, and the class actually applauded.
Forty students in the lecture hall, all of them quietly clapping for her. The instant feeling returned to her fingertips, she sat down as quickly as she could, trying to disappear back into her seat, when the pretty girl whom she’d sat beside for the past nine weeks without ever exchanging a single word leaned over and whispered something with genuine admiration.
***
Kylie rushed out of class the moment the bell rang, her stomach twisting. She chose to head straight home, opting to skip the rest of her classes for the day.
It does not lie, she thought, as she listed out everything she knew about the existence inside her head. No matter how many times it shows up in my dreams, no matter how many times I tell it no, I have not caught it in one.
At least it has never hurt me, she reminded herself, though the thought brought her no comfort.
And it was right. It was right and I wasn’t. It looked at those pages I looked over and came to a conclusion faster and more brilliantly than I could have. She clenched her teeth, the memory of the applause still lingering in her mind. How full of pride she felt. We could do that every week if we wanted to, couldn’t we?
She slammed the door to her dorm room shut and immediately sank to the floor, pressing her back against it and burying her forehead against her knees.
I have to get it out of me.
***
She tried not sleeping first, because it only came to her in dreams. She knew it could possess her, but perhaps that power weakened the longer she stayed awake. That was her theory.
After two days without hearing a word from it, she’d grown determined to keep going. She drank as much tea as she could, filling her time with work and anything else that kept her mind occupied. But by the third night, exhaustion had worn her down, and at some very, very late hour, she found herself standing at the washbasin, staring down at her reflection.
And the eye stared back at her.
You’re toying with me, aren’t you?
The next morning, Kylie opened her eyes to Vessa crouched worriedly by her side. She'd found Kylie collapsed on the floor.
“Kylie! Hey. Hey, look at me. Are you okay? What happened?”
But Kylie didn’t have the will to respond. She gazed, despondently, into Vessa’s green, normal eyes. It had been waiting for her in her dream again, only appearing long enough to remind her it was still there.
***
She braced the barrel and held the eye open.
She didn’t count. If she counted, she’d stop herself.
“Get out of my head!”
And Kylie plunged the pen into her eye.
***
When her eyes opened, she was back. Back in that hall, that world of monochrome.
The room was the same every time she returned. A long, beautiful hall of stone brick, with intricately carved columns stretching up toward a curved ceiling colored ivory, over a floor of square black tile. Between every pair of columns stood an ornate, arched window framed in black iron, with the light of a sky of pure, unbroken white pouring through them, and a sea of clouds far below.
She had come to believe, in the past few weeks, that this was its labyrinth. If it didn’t have a physical body, perhaps its labyrinth didn’t need to be physical either. But how does that make any sense? Why does it need a labyrinth at all then?
Down the middle of the hall ran a table of black glass. And at this table were six chairs. The nearest one, the one at the foot, was empty, and it had been pulled out for her.
The four on the long end of the table were filled with body parts. One to a chair, set out as carefully as place settings, and each stranger than the last. There was a pair of hands that looked like the tips of spears; a blackened heart, giving off the white light of a dying star; six luminous wings, folded together; and in the fourth chair, two arms, cut clean above the elbow, black and hard and faintly purple where the light hit them.
For a moment, she actually thought it was a trick. That the thing in her head had gone through her reading and set the arms out to unsettle her.
But Kylie remembered.
They had always been there.
She had seen them the first night she awoke in this room. A pair of crystal arms lying in a chair. She had glanced at them briefly, not knowing what they were. But now she did. Someone had gone down into a labyrinth with seven thousand men, and come back with those for arms. And that someone died over two thousand years before Kylie was born. Yet here they were, four feet from her hand.
She looked toward the far end of the table, toward the head, with terror and regret and failure turning in her mind, and saw a man sitting in the last chair, watching.
She knew his face. It was the face of the painted portrait in the front of the first history book she had ever owned, which she had brought to this school as one of her only possessions. He had been dead a hundred and forty years, and had never existed to her anywhere except on that page. And it was wearing his face to comfort her, and had been since they first met.
It didn’t say anything. It was waiting for Kylie to speak first.
“Why didn’t you stop me?” She managed to ask.
“You didn’t want me to possess you again,” it explained, matter-of-factly. “If I possessed you again, and stopped you, you would’ve despised me even more.”
Kylie did not deny it, and simply stood there in silence. There is no getting rid of this thing. She had said no. She had tried ignoring it. She had gone three nights without sleeping. She had even stabbed her own eye out. There is no getting rid of this thing, and I’m going to be stuck with it for life, she thought.
She had no other ideas. No other plans to get rid of it. She didn’t know if she was going to wake up with the eye having regrown in its socket, or if removing it had never mattered in the first place. She was defeated. And like the kings in that textbook she’d loved as a child, she needed to accept that defeat.
Fine.
She looked down the length of the table at it, took hold of the empty chair, pulled it back, and sat down, putting her hands flat on the black glass.
"You told me you'd give me anything I wanted," she said.
"I did, in return for your help."
Kylie Cecilia lifted her chin.
“Then let's make a deal."
88 YEARS LATER